Article by Kevin John

Your level of self esteem has a big impact on your life. The higher you raise it, the more you will change your life to be confident and happy. However, you may be confused about self esteem – just what is it? That question in itself is an indication of an area where you have low self esteem. If you are not clear on what is your self esteem, you will have a great deal of difficulty in raising it…

The definition of Self Esteem

There have been a lot of attempts to define self esteem, many of which seem to miss one or another key point. One of the best definitions is in the book The Six Pillar of Self Esteem – “The disposition to experience yourself as competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and as worthy of happiness”.

Being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life means that you believe in the competence of your mind and it’s ability to grasp your situation clearly, make good decisions and learn what you need to know. You trust yourself and you are self reliant.

This deals purely with your mind and your mental ability to deal with the world about you. There is no mention of physical ability. We are creatures of the mind, we create and shape our worlds with the power of our minds, we can use our minds to overcome physical challenges.

Being competent to cope means that you are in actively in control of your life. You are not just a passive victim of circumstances.

Being worthy of happiness means that you respect yourself, you believe that you are worthy of all the good things that life brings to you and that you are right to assert your wants and needs in a way that is appropriate to the situation. You believe that being happy is one of your fundamental rights.

Being worthy of happiness means that you can participate in a community with other people that is based on win-win relationships, mutual trust and respect. You are not either cut off from the human race or on the other hand a mindless individual desperate to conform to the tribe.

Self esteem is more important in today’s world than ever before. Self esteem is about believing that you can cope with the rapid changes that we are all experiencing. It is also about being able to make the right choices. As a species we are free to choose and if you have high self esteem you will make good moral choices.

Don’t confuse self esteem with self love, arrogance, egotism

It is very important to realise that self esteem is not a negative thing. You might have sometimes thought of having high self esteem as being “full of yourself” but this is not the same thing. I hope you can see from the definition, that someone with high self esteem can be a modest person who does not need to tell everyone how great they are.

Another meaning of the word esteem is something that you value or love. This can lead you to confuse self esteem with self love. Self esteem is about valuing yourself as a person but it is not self love.

Self esteem is a fundamental aspect of your life, it enables you to be free to live a happy, productive, constructive life with your fellow human beings on this planet. It should not be confused with many of the negative qualities that are visible in people who appear to have a high opinion of themselves – true self esteem is quietly confident in it’s own abilities.

Would you like to learn more about the six pillars of self esteem?

Article by Kevin John

How would you recognise self esteem in someone else? What does self esteem look like? Understanding how self esteem manifests itself in your behaviours can help you to evaluate your own self esteem and work out where you might need to improve.

When you understand the behaviour of a person with true self esteem rather than false self esteem hiding a deep inner insecurity you will realise that the qualities of self esteem are positive and supportive of mutually beneficial relationships.

The face of self esteem

Someone with high self esteem is really enjoying their life, they take pleasure in being alive and they radiate this joy. After all, they are confident that they deserve to enjoy being alive and they can cope adequately with everything that life throws at them.

If you have high self esteem you will be able to talk about your achievements and successes and also you will be able to easily admit mistakes and failures. You are comfortable with the facts of your circumstances and you know that mistakes and failures are things that happen. You will know that you are not a mistake or a failure.

High self esteem means that you do not need to be defensive when someone criticises you. You can evaluate the criticism in a rational way and decide whether it is just or unjust before responding. When you have high self esteem you are able to learn from past events without the need to distort what happened to protect your self esteem.

If you have high self esteem, you are not at war with yourself internally. Your speech and your movements are free, flowing and spontaneous, reflecting the ease that you feel with yourself.

All your communications with the outside world are consistent with each other. Your words, your tone of voice, your body language and your actions all tell the same story. You have no need to disguise or try to repress anything which means that your non-verbal communications match your verbal communications.

You are not afraid to assert yourself when you need to and you are not initmidated by assertive behaviour in others. You need to distinguish assertive behaviour from aggression. Assertive behavious can be characterised as seeking a win-win results whereas aggressive behaviour is seeking a win-loose result.

High self esteem means that you have the internal security to be curious and explore new ideas, new places, meet new people and form new relationships easily. You can be open to new possibilities and new ideas and you will respond to challenges with flexibility and confidence.

Of course even if you have high self esteem, you will have times when you feel self doubt, intimidation or overwhelm. You are not superman and you will encounter circumstances that you simply can’t cope with. However, with high self esteem you will be able to accept these feelings and deal with them with dignity. You are more likely to rise above them and as a consequence, such negative feelings will not trouble you for too long.

High self esteem is an important part of a successful and fulfilled life. High self esteem frees you to exhibit positive behaviours that reinforce mutually beneficial relationships. Learn the tell-tale signs of high self esteem and use them as a model to aspire to on your journey to a more fulfilling life.

Would you like to learn more about the six pillars of self esteem?

Related Self Esteem Articles

Article by Kevin John

Self esteem is one of the key requisites for personal growth. Without it you will not be able to function effectively as a person or form high quality relationships with other people. Yet so often we mistake self esteem for “having a high opinion of ourselves”. There is not limit to how much genuine self esteem you can have once you are clear about what you mean by self esteem.

The six pillars of self esteem are the essential requirements to developing a healthy self esteem, but what do we mean by self esteem?

There are two parts to your self esteem:

1. The confidence to believe in yourself and your decisions. You trust your own mind to think well and cope with the basic challenges that life throws at you.

2. The feeling of self worth – you believe that you are entitled to be happy and to receive the rewards that your deserve for the efforts that you make.

Don’t confuse self esteem with arrogance

One mistake that you might mistake is to confuse self esteem with arrogance, boasting, and obnoxious, overbearing behaviour. This kind of behaviour is more often due to low self esteem leading to the need to be constantly validated by others.

If you have high self esteem you do not need to show off, after all you are confident about your own capabilities. As importantly, you don’t need the constant praising and approval of others to achieve happiness, your own self worth will tell you that you should be happy.

The idea of too much self esteem can also come from people of low self esteem – they can feel uncomfortable and unhappy when they are in the presence of someone with a much higher self esteem. What they are really saying is that they would rather deal with other people of low self esteem…

Low self esteem is not an excuse…

Another temptation is to use your self esteem as an excuse for your results. Yes self esteem is very important if you are to be happy and successful, but many people have achieved success without it.

As well as self esteem you need other personal characteristics such as energy, drive, a positive work ethic, openness to learning… A high self esteem complements and reinforces all these other characteristics.

Surveys of successful people have shown that one of the most common drivers for success is to prove themselves to someone else – a parent, a spouse, their peer group, a teacher can all have influenced them. Their drive comes from their sense of unworthiness, in other words their lack of self esteem in one area of their life.

The problems that you might encounter if you are driven by a lack of self esteem are that you will find it difficult to enjoy your success to the fullest. The fleeting moment of triumph and vindication will soon be replaced by the drive to prove yourself again. Even worse, you may feel unworthy of your success and end up sabotaging yourself…

Fortunately, there are many reasons why you might be motivated to be successful and it is possible to have a high self esteem and achieve your dreams and achieve great happiness…

There are no limits to your self esteem!

You’ve seen that self esteem is a powerful tool to help you succeed. It can be mistaken for arrogance, but true self esteem is an internal personal happiness about you and your life. Are there limits to how happy you can be?

The answer is no. You can always increase your true self esteem. Everyone, even the most self confident positive thinkers have moments of doubt, everyone has the opportunity to raise their self esteem.

As you think about your self esteem, don’t ever limit your expectations of what you can achieve. If you are prepared to work on your self esteem as part of your ongoing personal development, there are no limits to where you can go!

Would you like to learn more about the six pillars of self esteem?